Sports Are Dumb

As each year passes, I start to appreciate the years that none of my favorite teams are good. I have come to love those years because there is no build up for the inevitable letdown. And the better your team is supposed to be, the bigger the letdown. I think George Costanza captures this sentiment best when he said “I don’t want hope. Hope is killing me. My dream is to become hopeless. Because when you’re hopeless, you don’t care.”

I don’t want to care. I don’t want to care if my team gets steamrolled by the Buffalo fucking Bills. But I do. I do a lot. My day today was affected by the horrors of yesterday’s game. And that’s fucked up.

Unfortunately, that is not realistic. I am doomed to ride the emotional roller coaster. There are four professional teams (shout out to the Lynx though) in Minnesota, and chances are at least one team has enough talent to have a chance.

But I think I have the answer. You’ve got to be “that guy”. The guy that ALWAYS brings up all the devastating losses, freak injuries, terrible trades and bad breaks that every Minnesota sports fan has been subject to since 1991. Rain on people’s parades. Shit on their hope. Because its a win-win scenario.

I know, it’s genius. If we lose, you were right again. I mean who doesn’t love when the words “I called it” roll off your tongue? No one is the answer. And if they win? Who cares if you’re wrong, your team just won a championship!

So far all of you out there fearing impending doom for the Vikings, and probably all of our other teams, just be negative. The glass is half empty, the sun will not come out tomorrow and things don’t happen for a reason. Unless they do… then, fuck yeah!

Joey Lash

St. Cloud Man of The Week: Shoots Deputy With Arrow and Gets Shot Directly In The Buttocks

After quite the day, last Thursday Sept. 13th, a sheriff deputy and a “suspect” are being treated for wounds at the St. Cloud Hospital after a standoff with the suspect, sheriff’s department and swat team.

The suspect, “allegedly”, stole a pickup then made a quick pit stop at a John Deere building around 10 a.m. Thursday morning, and by pit stop I mean, the suspect ran right into the building creating a hole or “pit” in the structure. The suspect then went on a rampage that could only be described as “a drunk person and or newb, playing the hit game Grand Theft Auto, for the first time.” After smashing against/into multiple parked cars the suspect finally parked the stollen vehicle by crashing it through a garage. The suspect then quickly ran inside to pee, experts say. When you gotta go, you gotta go.

The schools in the area were immediately put into lockdown and officials created a perimeter, then proceeded to enter the home. Upon entering the home, the suspect was spotted at the top of the stairs wielding a compound bow and arrow. The arrow quickly left the possession of the suspect as it was fired at one the deputies, striking the deputies arm. Fellow deputies began firing their weapons, almost entirely guns at the suspect and the suspect was tagged in the left shoulder and directly in the buttocks.

The deputies withdrew from the home, and SWAT was called in. A two hour standoff began as the SWAT team tried to reason with the suspect. I have never been in a standoff situation from either side but I would imagine it could get a little stressful. So I empathized with this demand that the suspect gives to the SWAT negotiator. The suspect asks for a chawski, you know a tin of smooth and refreshing Wintergreen all American chewing tobacco. Here is another tale of cops/officials being good people. A deputy on site had a tinner in his pocket and tossed the bastard his tin after the suspect had already stuck his fellow deputies like Bambis mom with a arrow. That is a good guy right there.

After getting his mints, the suspect appeared atop the stairs once more where the SWAT team tased the him. The suspect was then taken to St. Cloud Hospital for his gun shot wounds and probably swallowing some lip mints.

Lessons Learned:

1. “St. Cloud Man” is a nut job.

2. Just because it isn’t bow season doesn’t mean the deer stands are empty.

3. If a guy really wants a chew, just give it to him. Is it really worth getting shot over?

Source below

http://www.startribune.com/stearns-county-deputy-shot-with-arrow-sauk-centre-neighborhood-evacuated/493173041/

Bigger Balls: Cousins or Keenum

It’s well-documented that Case Keenum has big balls. Mike Zimmer spilled the beans in the post-game press conference last November after the Cardinals game. And he did last year, I mean the guy was on a $2 million contract and played out of his mind. You could even say those balls got him that $36 million contract in Denver.

Yet after yesterday you have to ask, does Kirk Cousins need a wheel-barrow for his balls? I mean this guy just received the first ever fully-guaranteed contract good for $84 million smackaroos, and we paid him all that to go into Lambeau Field and go toe-to-toe with Erin Rodgers. I mean in week 2, that’s a lot of pressure. And what happened then, well in Minneapolis they say, his regular-sized balls grew three sizes that day.

I mean did you see that touchdown throw to Thielen!? The window he threaded that needle through would make Christian Ponder literally poop his pants. Hell, even Keenum wouldn’t try that one (he tends to lob his throws). We were down 20-7 in the 4th quarter and he willed us into position to win, something that quite honestly doesn’t happen much for the Vikings.

Four things I look for in a quarterback are leadership, intelligence, talent and testicular fortitude. Kirk Cousins may be corny and smile kind of weird, but for him trot onto the field with all the pressure in the world squarely on his shoulders and deliver like he did… that takes a set of balls that may require a custom nut-cup.

Joey Lash